It seems like I can only write during the summer. Even with that in mind, however, I'm probably going to write in a coded language that very few people will understand.



Anywho.


As you can tell, I'm back from WMU's SEMINAR 2009 music camp. It was a ton of fun to play cello with other people who really cared about music for two weeks straight. The walk we made every day was somewhat murderous, however. I'm alive... so I guess I can't complain too much. I'm definitely going back to SEMINAR next year, and I may be going to WMU as my college.



Now, about music... there's a little dilemma that's been created by the State of Michigan's current economic standing. It's not very comforting to get out of orchestra class at camp to find that your "arts school's board" has cut the very department you major in. So we need help. Really badly. I urge everyone who reads this (all 3 of you) to come to the benefit concert that Tim and Caitlin and all the other usual suspects have managed to throw together. It's on August 16th, at the Dawg House in Clinton Township (on Groesbeck.) Now, what AAW concert would be complete without High Noon 30? Definitely not this one. So come see us play, we might have some new ORIGINAL material put together by then. It's only $8 (or $5 with an AAW student ID,) so instead of buying yet another quadruple-shot-venti-caramel-macchiato, spend that money on a cause. Bring my department BACK. Bring my friends' departments back. Give Mr. Boyd, and Ms. Huntoon, and Ms. Andersen their JOBS back. Make a fucking difference. Isn't that what our generation was meant to do?

So much has changed since I last updated this thing. I've gotta work on it more. It's been an incredible few months. Alex and I keep falling deeper in love, we just had our 6-month anniversary. It's rather amazing. Christmas with my family was great. And I've gotten to finally relax.

Unfortunately, the joy of this season has been marred by a tragic loss. My friend (whom none of you would know,) Brooke, died yesterday. I found out at 5 PM. Approximately a week ago, she got hit by a car as she was crossing the street... naturally, it was an idiot running a red light. Hit and run, he just took off. They didn't find him. She was holding up alright... but the internal injuries got her yesterday. I'm still in disbelief... I don't even know how to finish up this paragraph.

I've finally shaken writer's block, in part because of this tragedy. I wrote a song about it in a matter of 20 minutes. I'll post it at the end of this blog.

I realized something... that although the bad always seem to strike at the most inconvenient times, it really helps you to appreciate the good in your life. My friends, and Alex... all you really need is love. John Lennon was right. I'll make it through all of this. I always do.

The song: Such a Thing

Ain't it funny how life takes away
Condemning victims ev'ry day
Doing normal things, living normal lives
Taking fathers, sons, daughters and wives

CHORUS
How could you do such a thing
And shove it under the rug?
Sweep it away, pretend it's okay
Karma's gonna get you someday

Good in people, what a lie
All of us, in line to die
Empathy lost by ten years old
As I look at you, my heart grows cold

BRIDGE
Have you ever thought of this?
Your actions aren't that small
Running that red light
Devastates us all
Your impact is global, it can't be erased
You've taken someone that can't be replaced

CHORUS+solo
How could you do such a thing
And shove it under the rug?
Sweep it away, pretend it's okay
Karma's gonna get you someday
INSTRUMENTAL PASSAGE

How could you do such a thing? x Many for outro

I was just at AAW for 3 days out of the past week. I was helping out with the massive painting project, which actually turned out rather nicely, if I do say so myself. It was chaotic at times, and I had to deal with Gentry and Brad at times... but the good pretty much outweighed the bad.

These next 3 weeks will be hell though. My love is away... I'm stuck with my family... it doesn't bode well. Any help is appreciated.

It's been too long since I've seen/heard/read anything in pop culture that actually made me think. The moment has come, however, where popular culture has finally managed to become useful for something... by fusing entertainment, action, and nostalgia with an unexpected, shockingly accurate social commentary.

In stepped The Dark Knight.

When I first stepped into the theater at 8:05 on Friday night, I expected the normal Batman flick. I thought I'd have to sit through another 1.5 hours of comic-style stereotyping and hype. Instead... I recieved the film that was playing on the screen. It turned out to be 2ish hours of the dark reality of people. The perverse sense of "fun" that the Joker posessed, as opposed to the almost light-hearted nature of the typical Joker. Harvey Dent... the seemingly genuine good man, who is pushed over the edge... the nature of people in general.

The crazy ones, the conflicted ones, the good ones. This movie had it all.

The reason it was shocking, though, was because of the intensity of the truth. All of the wrong turns that people made in The Dark Knight could very well happen tomorrow. And as I see it... that's scary.

Leave me your thoughts.

I'm kinda back though. My life is finally coming together. I'm dating an amazing girl, my cello's paying now... and HN30 is getting recorded. The things that matter really MATTER now. Thanks to all of those I love for being there for me.

Jake

I just saw Juno for the first time.

Excellent, home skillet.

How could you not laugh every time you watch it?

It's occurred to me that some people think that my music-making sucks, due to my association with High Noon 30.

Do I really suck? You tell me.

Don't say shit behind my back.

Thank you,
Sucky Life Department
Jakob Rutkowski Inc.

*Yes, I am a sarcastic cynical man right now. Got a problem?

Ah, Woodward Avenue in mid-June. The classic cars are just starting to rumble their way out of their garages, the tuners are already running around like idiots, and I'd love it if I could buy a Caribou Coffee, sit outside, and watch some cars go by. Apparently, though, the First Amendment doesn't apply when it comes to Woodward Avenue between 13 and 14 Mile Roads. From what I remember, the First Amendment gives us the right to assemble peaceably... which is all that the kids are doing. Watching cars, having fun together. Plus, I bought a coffee, so I have a right to sit and drink it without the cops rudely ripping my head off about sitting on the wall.

But whatever. This comes at the same time as some major issues on the relationship front. My ex-girlfriend decides to call me Saturday night, at around 11. I didn't recognize the number, but I still picked up.

She then proceeded to act like she was gonna commit suicide unless we got back together. I told her that we couldn't get back together, but she shouldn't commit suicide, because there are other people that may be right for her. She hangs up, and I'm really nervous now.

Until she calls back in 20 minutes. Now I'm pissed. She then continues trying to get me back, all of which is failing... and then she decides to insult my friends. She had officially crossed the line. After that, I hung up.

She calls back again, and I answer. She then decides to finally confirm what I believed... she had been cheating on me the entire time. Luckily, I never got attached. The only part that scares me is the fact that I've been supposedly "looked up" by the guy she was cheating on me with, who was supposedly in the army. I'm not really scared, I just hate stalkers.

I know that all of you, my friends, have my back. Thank you.

Written May 31st, 2008.

For those of you who haven't realized it, this is our last weekend before the end of the year. It's kind of amazing that the year's already over. It's been a strange one, then a happy one, then a depressing one... I've changed so much, and yet I haven't really changed in the end. I'm still Jakob Rutkowski... I still act too old for my age, I'm still awkward. Therefore, the questions I ask myself are, what did I really gain this year? What did I lose? Did I accomplish anything?

That's where my mind has been over the last two months, really. I've had relationship drama, friend drama, family drama... and I've been thinking over my own life. It tends to weigh you down after a while. I hope that I can be excused for my weird, depressed type of month. But anyway... what do you think came out of this year? That comment box is there for a reason.

I love the world. I'm being totally sarcastic, mind you. From what I can see, the world sucks. Ninety percent of the time, it's out there showing you exactly how little it cares about you, how it's not gonna let you get ahead. The other ten percent is when it seems like you've finally caught a break in life, but in reality, the world is STILL TEARING YOU DOWN, no matter what you do. I've tried so hard to get ahead, to put my fucked up past behind me... and yet it doesn't do any good.

Sometimes, I guess you just have to concede a lost fight... admit that you didn't win, you can't win, that it's impossible to win. I've never been very good at that. But with the world the way it is, everyone at everyone else's throat all the time... I've had to become better. It's not something I want to do. I always think there's a way to fix something... but this world, our screwed up society... nope. There's no possibility to fix something this far beyond repair.

Parents, religion, racism, sexism, sexuality, war.
Parents, religion, racism, sexism, sexuality, war.
Parents, religion, racism, sexism, sexuality, war.

That's all I ever hear about these days. School is something I don't mind that much anymore... but all the others... they just need to go away. They divide people. What I don't understand is that in OUR OWN Declaration of Independence, it says that all men are created equal. Apparently, that was just a line to make our founding fathers look good, because it doesn't appear that way today. 3 centuries later, and we're still struggling with the same things that have torn civilizations apart throughout history. Why can't people get it through their head that equal doesn't necessarily mean different?

The world's a depressing place. It seems like no matter how many steps you take in the right direction, no matter how cautious you are... somethings still going to bite you in the ass and drag you right back to square 1... or even further. That's why I hate the world: We pay for things we didn't do.

Life. Emotion. Anyone have any clue what either of them really mean, in the end? I'm trying to figure it out. Something about both of them just perplex me so thoroughly... I contemplate them at some point at least once every day. I search for their meaning, only to find that there isn't one that I can see.
Up until about 3 weeks ago, my life was going great for once. Or, at least, that's the way my life presented itself to me. Lurking behind the façade was the true darkness, the wonderings, the questions. Those questions, that darkness...
I've found that I just can't deal with them. However, I've resisted the urges to become another teen statistic.
It's very hard to resist those urges, however. Along with the fact that my family is about as screwed as they come, it makes it hard to carry on as a person. I manage, but just barely. I've become, once again, a shell of the person that I can be. I've become invisible. I've become quiet. I've become something I vowed never to be again, and that's the hardest thing to take in the world.
Life's questions have no answers, it seems. I know everyone wonders what, exactly, their life means from time to time... but I just have this intrinsic need to know, an unsolvable search for what exactly put me on this half-assed planet, why I have to be here for 80-plus years... and who exactly I'll be waiting that lifetime for. If you can tell me, please do. I fear, however, that you, the reader, are just as clueless about life as I am.
I hope that I find out soon. I'm becoming more bitter, more cynical, more desensitized each day. I feel sorry for myself. It seems, at times, that I'll never find the knowledge I'm looking for. And that's not even the saddest part. I feel as though I'll never have a helping hand... I'll never have anyone who cares about this knowledge as much as I do... I'll never truly love anyone. Every other time I've thought it was love, I've been left in the gutter, with the "loved one" flying high after. That scares me... the possibility that love won't ever come my way.
I'll say it again: Life. Emotion. The most confusing part about life is life itself.
Feelings for people don't seem to exist anymore. I don't even know why.
I'm sad 99% of the time... and the other 1% is happy... but the sadness still remains
under the happy exterior.
I wonder if I'll ever recover from the emotional scars that I've
suffered at the hands of "family", "friends", and "lovers".

This is vintage, October 8th, 2007.

I feel like it's tattoo'd on my forehead that I'm a virgin (yes, Bry, you were right.) I honestly am cool. I'm not a jerk. I'm straight. I've got a nice personality. I'm smart.
Obviously, however, that gets you nowhere now, which sucks for me.

Here's the thing though... I haven't been in a long, trusting relationship to date. That's where I'd feel comfortable losing my virginity. I don't want to wait until marriage, but I don't want to "just fuck". Hey look, RMS kids, a word I don't usually use. Cherish this moment forever.

My life is one big dilemma. I don't understand why I can't live my life, have a decent, trusting, well founded, uninterrupted relationship (long story). The criticism gets old, folks (Stephen, that means you.)

My parents raised me to be a gentleman. I don't push a woman to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'm very respectful, but I'm not as fucking innocent as you all seem to think I am. Nobody is.

For those of you who mock me for being a gentleman, I hope you enjoy yourself. I plan on making it less enjoyable for you in the future. Once I can drive, maybe I'll date. For now, unless I meet a girl that I fall for in minutes, without psycho parents, relationships are just too much fuckin' work.

Thank You,
Management